specimen affirmative.

Knock knock. "Exterminator."

I let him in, and led him to the kitchen. As he squirted his chemical goo in my cabinets, I assaulted him with bedbug questions.

"So I called my super today to say I have bedbugs. If I showed them to you, could you confirm it?"

"Yeah," he said. "You have a sample?"

A sample? You mean the crawly assholes I taped to a piece of paper? Yes, I have a sample. I handed the paper to him.

"Yeah," he said, squinting at them. "Those are bedbugs."

"Awesome. I mean, not awesome that I have them, awesome that you confirmed them. I mean, it's just so lucky that you're here today. I didn't even know you came on Tuesdays. I mean Thursdays. Whatever. I'm never home during the week. I'm only home today because I have to do all my laundry and stuff to prepare for the super tomorrow."

I couldn't stop there.

"So the super, he's coming in with some store-bought product tomorrow and treating my bedroom. Do you think that will do the trick?"

"Without knowing what he's using, it's really hard to say."

"Fair enough. I just read that most store-bought products are sub-par for bedbugs, and really you need a professional to treat everything."

"Like I said ma'am, without knowing what he's using, it's hard to say. But we do bedbug treatments too. Today is just the standard roach treatment, but we can come back for bedbugs if you need it."

With that, I set the exterminator free, only after I resisted the urge to hug him.